Hellloooo my dandelions! What a glorious day! It feels almost normal. It pains me to say this, but we may have to reconsider what normal means. It won’t be like it used to be, not for a long time. As businesses start to re-open, we’re finding all sorts of new measures in place: line-ups outside, plastic barriers, people squirting you with antiseptic, and masks. I bought my first pack of masks today, and I have the following observations:


  • Most masks come from China, and are packaged by people with a fanciful grasp of the English language. Thus I am instructed to “have pleasure breathing” and, once I’m done, I’m to “perform disposition”.


  • They are hard to find, and not cheap in small quantities. I got mine at Shopper’s, a pack of 10, one pack per customer, for about $17. Amazon and Walmart have them, and I ordered a big box, but they won’t be here before June 15th.


  • Yes, I do have cloth masks, but they have to be washed after every use, and besides, my housemates have appropriated them.


  • I’m going to save a lot of money on lipstick.


  • Your glasses, or sunglasses, fog when you wear them.


  • You don’t recognize your friends at the grocery store.


  • It’s amazing how much we rely on lip reading to hear what people are saying.


  • What do bank robbers do? Wear a mask over their mask?


  • You can’t eat, or sip coffee with them. Or smoke, which is, of course, counter productive.


  • My dog barks at me when I wear one.


  • You don’t have to wear one when you are in your car.


  • You should take your mask off to kiss, but only with a member of your household.


Get used to it, because masks will be here for a while. You will have to wear one when you return to work, if you haven’t already, particularly in situations where you can’t socially distance. This is a particular challenge for the Darren & Mo Show, as we are normally all in one room together, and Darren and Christine and I can hardly wear masks while on air. I don’t know how they’re going to solve that problem, by the way, but they’re working on it. Until then, DBL and I continue to broadcast from home.


Socially, it won’t be much different. Even when we are allowed to gather in larger groups, mask wearing will be encouraged. Parties will look like the Venetian Masked Balls, only the masks will be on the lower part of our faces, the parties won’t be in Venice, and they won’t be glamorous or mysterious, but otherwise, exactly the same. As such, there will be little or no drinking or eating, no buffet tables or passed hors d’oeuvres, so what’s the point, really? If I want to knock back a bottle of chardonnay, I’ll do it at home in the bathtub like usual.


I think the future lies with the welder’s style masks – the face shields that allow you do to almost all the things listed above, such as eating, drinking, talking and kissing. There’s also the added bonus of pretending you’re Jennifer Beals in Flashdance.


Have pleasure breathing. Do not forget to perform disposition.


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